Lena's Story

Lena's Story

By Keturah L.

"So, this is life? This is all there is? Why live? What is there to live for?" Lena threw her head into her lap. Sometimes she wondered why she kept living.

So much bad had happened lately. Too much. She couldn't even grasp it. Most of the time she felt unloved, and whether it was true or not, she thought she had no friends.

The only thing that kept her from taking her life at first was fear. And knowing it was wrong. Because she was a Christian, and she knew that taking your own life is wrong. And the knowledge that she might go to hell if she did was enough to force her to live for a time.

But even that fear began to dim.

She fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Dark. Alone. Why can't they just accept me? Why do I feel so empty, so worthless. God, why won't you help me? Give me a friend? Give me something to live for?

Her family never realized the struggles she went through. In fact if you had told her mother that she was contemplating suicide, she would have laughed.

Because Lena was a good girl.

The darkness was getting to be too much for Lena.

And then a hope broke forth. Someone gave Lena a Bible study curriculum. Out of boredom, she started it. At first it would just make her forget her depressing thoughts. She was already a Christian. She had just forgotten.

Over the course of the next few months she learned to pray again and  rededicate her life daily. Soon she realized her depressing thoughts were being replaced by creative ideas.

And then she realized that she couldn't be happy unless she was happy with herself. She needed to trust God to know what was best in her life. She needed to accept her place in life. Where He put her, how he made her, what he gave her. It was then that another struggle began.

The struggle of wanting to, but of not wanting to.

She would have to forgive so many hurts. She would need to change her mindset. And the next few months were even harder.

During this time she started listening to Christian music more. One song became a great help and encouragement, What Faith Can Do by Kutless.

As Lena tried every day, her thoughts slowly evolved and grew stronger so that she was finally able to forgive inside.

And then came peace. Dark days would come, but those were now easier to manage. For now, she knew the hidden definition of Depression: Selfishness, forgetting others, thinking dark thoughts that aren't necessarily true.

And the cure for it was reading the Bible, praying and helping others.

Now when people hurt Lena it was a little easier to take. She just needed to remember that taking things personally wasn't the way to handle it.

She found herself helping others and being productive in many things. Her name was beginning to be known for what she did.

Now her enemy wasn't fear, but knowledge and self-righteousness. If she didn't stick to doing the three afore mentioned things with humility, all would be lost again.

Amidst the constant battle, Lena heard of others that were committing suicide every day. She heard stories encouraging it. People that had committed suicide were even being looked at as heroes.

It was being made legal. More people were dying, lost. More people were saying they should be allowed to if they wanted to.

But Lena knew better. She had been there. And she felt sad that all these people couldn't know, also.

She felt that the government and all the people out there permitting this were just being lazy. Instead of trying to love these people they were letting them kill themselves.

These people didn't want to die! They had just forgot what was important, or worse yet, never knew. They needed a reason to live! Why give them a reason to die? Why not everyone just kill themselves?

Now even Christians and preachers were standing with the people. Lena couldn't believe it. Murder was against the law and the Bible. How could changing the name or procedure or who did it change the deed? How could one have any more right to take their own life?

But people just laughed at her. Said she didn't really understand. She was told to wake up, it was the 21st century.

"Lena, you have never been truly depressed, otherwise you wouldn't be here."

"Are you saying some people were made to just live dark lives and die alone? There is a way for people to be helped. It's murder to help another die."

"It's not like that. You cant force a person to live. It's their life. If they choose to relieve others of the burden of themselves they should be allowed to."

"That another human would be willing to let someone else die before helping them seems very barbaric to me. Not any man should ever be a 'burden' to us."

At a lost for words, the other person would just shake their head like she was crazy and not even worth talking to.

Filled with righteous anger, it was then she decided to search the Bible for scripture. She would find hard evidence against this. If it was the last thing she did.

Job was the first example she came across. In despair he would not die. His wife even said "Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God and Die!"

But he answered "Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God and shall we not receive evil?"

And according to his words, she knew that only foolish people considered taking their own lives or assisting another to die. Deuteronomy 30:19  told the people that when choosing life or death, to choose life.

Other verses she came across spoke of death as an evil thing that would be someday overcome.  Since God had given life, it was only His to take away. No one is as powerful or omnipotent as He is. Who knows what might have been meant to happen if you do take matters into your own hands?

Lena was quick to inform the others of the discoveries she'd made. But to her horror, she was just turned aside with sneering remarks that she did not understand these things.

She was taking verses out of context. It did not mean that anymore, she was told.

It was then that she realized she was in the wrong place talking to the wrong people. She couldn't convince the devil. But maybe she could make things harder on him.

She could never talk these people into believing the truth. But she could love. And by loving everyone she could save countless lives.

So wherever she went she was quick to make all feel important. If someone was alone, she'd go to them. She'd start lively conversations on topics she was normally not interested in.

She would include people in all sorts of activities. Work and games. Laughter. Through this all she helped many heal.

With much help Lena learned to love other people more than herself, and she did save many lives, though she never knew how many. All she knew was that she had peace and was doing the right thing.

And so Lena stubbornly showed the world that selfless love is what kills depression, not suicide.